And You Thought YOU Got Distracted During Lessons
by Dautr abr du Sundavar
Summary: If stupidity was a genre, this would be classified as a Humor/Stupidity story. Cause it's just plain WEIRD. Will is learning something new, but keep getting interrupted by random animals and...well, just wait. You'll see. R&R!


**A/N: Something that bothers me about _Ruins of Gorlan_ is that John Flanagan (the owner of Ranger's Apprentice – there, I did my disclaiming duty) totally skimped on most of Will's training. And, being a horse rider myself, I know that when Will was being taught to post (something you do when you trot. You grip the horse with your knees, use the balls of your feet (which are in the stirrup, but it is possible to post bareback, which would require skipping this part) to sort of springboard yourself up, and do a kind of controlled bounce in rhythm with the horse's gait. It helps you to not bounce around all over the place. This is a really, _really_ bad explanation, but whatever), his thighs and calves would be on fire. So I decided to cover that here – in a rather stupidly humorous way. :) Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Ranger's Apprentice series.  
**

* * *

"Push your heels down! Grip with your knees!"

So said Halt on a warm spring afternoon. The sun was shining, the grass was green, and the birds were twittering merrily. It was perfect and serene...but for one man and his apprentice. _They_ were not very serene at all. Will, the apprentice, was currently snapping at his mentor. Said mentor was literally _feeling_ his patience run thin. This was going to get ugly.

"My heels are down!" snapped Will.

"In relation to what? Your thick head?" retorted Halt. "Now get 'em down, you little-"

"NO PROFANITY!" screamed a small blue sheep that randomly appeared.

Halt and Will stared at the sheep, their eyes the approximate size of their heads. "What in the world are you?" Will finally asked.

"I'M THE PROFANITY SHEEP!" screamed the blue sheep.

"Um," said Halt, "I thought it was the profanity bunny?"

"In Rowana Renee's stories, it is," explained the sheep. "The author of this story wasn't original enough to come up with something different, so she ripped off the profanity bunny, changed the animal so that it wasn't the same thing, added a volume control problem, and BAM! I was born! Then she stuck this little bit of dialog in here to acknowledge the awesome roxerness of Rowana Renee and to encourage her readers to read Rowana Renee's stories in order to find out about the profanity bunny and to make Rowana Renee really happy, cause she's that kind of person. The author of this story, that is."

"Oh. Okay," Halt said, shrugging. "Can I finish yelling at my apprentice now?"

"As long as you remember one thing," replied the sheep.

"Oh? And what might that be?"

"NO PROFANITY!"

And the sheep disappeared.

Halt winced and felt his ears to make sure they weren't bleeding. He cursed the Profanity Sheep, before realizing his mistake.

"NO PROFANITY!" screamed the sheep.

"Okay, okay!" yelled Halt. "At least none of the readers know what I said! Doesn't that count for something?"

The Profanity Sheep tilted its head to one side, thinking. "Nah," it finally decided, and then disappeared.

Halt grumbled, "Why, that little-"

"NO PROFANITY!"

This cycle continued for a while, until finally Halt snapped and shrieked, "FINE! _YOU WANT NO PROFANITY? __**I'LL SHOW YOU NO PROFANITY!**_" Then Halt started chasing the little blue sheep over hill and under bridge; through Narnia, Alagaësia, and New York City; and finally, all the way to Awesomeland, where all the awesomeness – including his own, because all the awesomeness in every world was gathered there and magnified – overwhelmed Halt and he passed out, only to wake up in the very field where he began his chase. He stood up and mumbled something under his breath, then, as the profanity sheep showed up and filled its lungs for another reprimand, shouted, "I WASN'T SWEARING, I SWEAR!" The sheep gave him an odd look, but shrugged – inasmuch as a sheep is able to shrug – and poofed away with nary a sound.

Anywho...moving right along.

Halt turned to face Will, who had stopped. "Well?" Halt said. "Why aren't you moving?"

"Because Tug isn't moving," Will replied with blinding insight.

"And why isn't Tug moving?" Halt asked with affected patience.

"Because he stopped," replied Will with brilliant perceptiveness.

"And _why_ did Tug stop?"

"Because he had to stop."

"And _why_ did he have to stop?"

"Because he had to poop."

And as Will said the words, the smell hit Halt's nose. He felt as if the stench was a physical thing, trying to choke him into oblivion. He gagged and took a few steps back, trying to pull his shirt up over his nose to filter out some of the odor. He was unsuccessful, though, because just as he got his nose covered, his brain decided that death would smell a lot better, and shut down.

As Will screamed in horror at his teacher's death, a rather large biker rabbit appeared and jack-slapped Will.

"Ah, shaddup!" the biker rabbit said. "He's not really dead. The author is just being stupid."

"Oh," Will said, suddenly calm. "Okay. Two questions."

"Your first one?" the rabbit said.

"What are you?"

"I'M THE MYSTICAL RABBIT OF RETRIBUTION, DOOM, AND FLUFFINESS!" shrieked the rabbit.

Will winced. "Okay...cool. My second question is, is being stupid the point of this story?"

The rabbit – oh, sorry, the Mystical Rabbit of Retribution, Doom, and Fluffiness – jack-slapped Will again and screeched, "No! The point is to have you groaning in pain as you get off your plodder there-" the Mystical Rabbit of Retribution, Doom, and Fluffiness jerked its head at Tug- "and to have a small fluffy moment between you and Halt!"

"Oh," Will said. He thought about that for a moment. "Then why did Halt die?"

"BECAUSE THE AUTHOR WAS BEING STUPID, DIPWAD!" shrieked the Mystical Rabbit of Retribution, Doom, and Fluffiness.

"NO PROFANITY!" screamed the Profanity Sheep.

"I DIDN'T USE PROFANITY!" yelled the Mystical Rabbit of Retribution, Doom, and Fluffiness.

"GETTING OFF TRACK HERE!" hollered a panda that had randomly appeared in a nearby tree.

Will groaned. "And just what are _you_ supposed to be?" he asked the bear.

"I am the embodiment of this story's inspiration, and I say we're getting off track!" said the panda.

"Well, if you're the inspiration, then isn't it your fault that the story is getting off track?"

"NO!" the bear protested angrily. "We're getting off track because the author has a strange and random brain, and she decided to add in all of this craziness!"

Will thought about that for a minute. "Okay," he said, as if talking animals – or, more accurately, screaming weirdness disguised as animals – happened every day.

"Hmph," huffed the panda, and it disappeared along with the Mystical Rabbit of Retribution, Doom, and Fluffiness and the Profanity Sheep. As they did so, Halt flipped upright and stared at Will.

"Where were we?" he asked.

"Um, you were asking me why I wasn't moving, and-"

"RIGHT!" Halt shouted, making Will jump. "So get moving, and maybe the story will follow you!"

Will raised a disbelieving eyebrow (something he learned from Halt), but did as ordered. He picked Tug's pace up to a trot and tried to post without totally failing miserably.

He did this for an hour or so, with Halt shouting out "encouragement" – such as "Pick up the pace!" and "Grip with your knees!" – every so often. Finally, Halt called a halt (get it? Halt called a – never mind) and Will swung down.

Only to collapse like an empty sack and groan like the front door of the cabin. "How did I do?" he moaned, his words somewhat muffled by grass, as his face was pressed into the ground as though determined to asphyxiate.

"You totally failed miserably," Halt said casually. "But not as totally or as miserably as yesterday. You're making progress, Will."

Will looked up at the hand Halt had offered, but didn't take it. "You called me Will," he whispered.

"Yes I did. Now get up, or are you going to lie there through supper?"

Will grinned and took the hand. Apparently his brush with death hadn't changed Halt one bit.

* * *

**A/N: Ta-da!**

**Mystical Rabbit of Retribution, Doom, and Fluffiness: TOLDJA THERE WAS GONNA BE A FLUFFY MOMENT!**

**Author: Yes, yes, well done. Have a carrot. *tosses Mystical Rabbit of Retribution, Doom, and Fluffiness a carrot***

**Mystical Rabbit of Retribution, Doom, and Fluffiness: OMNOMNOM! *noms carrot***

**Profanity Sheep: WHAT ABOUT ME?**

**Author: Um, have...this sheep food.**

**Profanity Sheep: OMNOMNOM! *noms sheep food***

**Author: *looks at panda* Well? Don't you want anything?**

**Panda: Just a name.**

**Author: Okay...I dub thee Bob!**

**Panda: Well, you could have done better than that...*grumbles***

**Profanity Sheep: NO PROFANITY!**

**Bob: I WASN'T USING PROFANITY!**

**Mystical Rabbit of Retribution, Doom, and Fluffiness: SHADDUP!**

**Profanity Sheep: _NO PROFANITY!_**

**Mystical Rabbit of Retribution, Doom, and Fluffiness: I WASN'T USING PROFANITY!**

**Profanity Sheep: WERE TOO!**

**Mystical Rabbit of Retribution, Doom, and Fluffiness: WAS NOT!**

**Profanity Sheep: WERE TOO!**

**Mystical Rabbit of Retribution, Doom, and Fluffiness: THAT'S IT! HELLO-MY-NAME-IS-INIGO-MONTOYA-YOU-KILLED-MY-FATHER-PREPARE-TO-_DIE!_ *jumps Profanity Sheep***

***Profanity Sheep and Mystical Rabbit of Retribution, Doom, and Fluffiness fight***

**Bob: Now, guys- *gets pulled into the fight***

**Author: Uumm...Review! *stares at fight* O.O That's gonna leave a mark...**


End file.
